My friends aren't my friends,

I'm so sick of it all.

I'm starting to feel so disgusted by these people who claim to be my friends. And not just any friends, but kingdom friends. These were the friends that I used to pour my heart out to, and to be able to express myself freely in anyway I want simply because I was absolutely comfortable around them knowing that they would never judge me.

But now, everything's changing. Everything feels like it's falling apart. Kingdom friends are supposed to be friends who build each other up and to sharpen one another. Yet instead, what I'm getting now is a whole lot of negative words being thrown at me. They're tearing me down, bit by bit. I feel so lost right now. I'm so lost and hurt that I can barely see Jesus' love for me.

Just because I put on a smile all the time, doesn't mean that your words don't hurt. Calling me fat, pig, big butt hurts me so deeply and I would never be able to tell you that. Just because I don't exercise, you laugh and poke fun of me whenever I mention that I was going to do the least bit of exercise. Be it jogging, swimming or even a small game of badminton/tennis. Tell me, am I really that useless and incapable in your eyes?

You're my friends, you're not supposed to be speaking so much negativity into my life. You're not supposed to make fun of me and call me names all the time. You're not supposed to assume that everything I say is a joke. You're not supposed to 'ok can' me every chance you get. You're not supposed to disregard the words that I speak. You're not supposed to belittle my intelligence. You're not supposed to look down on me. You always think that saying these hurtful things to me is okay because I laugh it off. But the truth is, it hurts ten times more when I laugh it off.

Perhaps you feel like I'm just making a huge fuss. Perhaps you feel like I shouldn't be taking all these things to heart because I should be secured in Christ. The problem is, I was. But now I'm not. Because of all your words, I'm starting to feel like I'm never going to be enough. I'm always going to be that girl in the group that falls short of everything.

Your jokes are always at my expense. Always.

I'm starting to hate this bunch of people who claim to be my friends. This bunch of fake people who expect me to be secured in Christ while they're hurling insults at me from the sidelines.

I've had enough.