When nobody sees through your smile,

It's been a while. And I'm actually thankful that I've not posted anything here for such a long time. Because then, maybe nobody would bother checking this space anymore, and I'd be free to say whatever the hell I want.

Recently, I've been going through this emotional rollercoaster ride. And it wasn't easy.

It has gotten me to think about a lot of the things that are going on around me. Maybe I was just paranoid, but there's this fear in my heart that people don't find me interesting enough / are getting bored of me / leaving me eventually. This is probably stupid, because I know that these kingdom friendships WILL last, but at the back of my mind, I can't help but have so many 'what if's.

What if.

'What' and 'if' are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side by side and they'll have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.

Today, I opened up to Rachel and told her things I had previously sworn not to tell anyone else. They were things that made me weak, things that showed how vulnerable I truly am inside. To be honest, even I was surprised at how the words were just flowing out of my mouth, how I'm pouring my heart out to this person I've met just half a year ago.

It wasn't easy talking about my feelings, my insecurities, my worries. And I was finding it hard to hold back those tears as I talked about it. I could feel the lump rising in my throat, I wanted to break down, but I wouldn't allow myself to.

I guess, people think they know me but they don't. All the smiles and the laughter, maybe it was just to hide all that I'm holding inside.