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| Last meal of 2012 at Wild Honey with Jes for lunch |
2012 was definitely not what I envisioned it to be. It came with a ton of downs, but a few good ups. But hey, it's the ups that keep us going, right?
I guess you could say, 2012 was a year of self-discovery for me.
It was a year where I found friends who identified with my struggles, my struggle in finding a place where I fit in, my struggle in finding acceptance, my struggle in proving to others that I'm not as useless as I may seem. It was amazing, bonding with these friends over a mere concert (whilst we were queuing under the blazing hot sun), having conversations that I've never had with anyone else. We spoke of change, we spoke of our inferiority, we spoke of our desire to be recognized for the people that we are. It was such a life-changing conversation that brought tears to my eyes as we voiced our thoughts, and even till this day, that conversation we had still lingers in my mind. Thank you Jon & Wenx, for giving me the opportunity to know you guys so much more this year. And I'm still looking forward to us chasing our dreams together.
It was a year where I found friends who accepted me for who I am, because honestly speaking, I probably have the worst temper you could ever find in a girl. Say something remotely stupid and you can almost guarantee to hear a sarcastic remark from me. Take too long to make a decision and I'd blow up when I run out of patience. Having to wait for others for more than fifteen minutes after the stipulated meeting time, I think it's best you just go home because my face wouldn't be pleasant throughout the day. But nonetheless, despite all my imperfections, I'm so glad to have found a group of friends who have stuck by me and have possibly seen every angry side of me. They could have left, but they didn't, so I'm thankful for that. Thank you Rach, Sally, Sherdale, Serena for sticking through 2012 with me, and as difficult it may be, I hope we never drift apart.
It was a year where I grew closer to friends whom I've known almost my whole life. My primary school friends are probably the best thing to ever happen to me. Starting this year, I would've known all of them for 12 years, and that is huge considering I'm only turning 19 this year. This group of friends that I have, we couldn't be more different. A couple of them are your typical party-going scene kids, then you have a player who uses his fists to settle everything, that fatherly guy who speaks politics and studies law, the female equivalent of the fatherly guy, your average Joe, and then there's me. We are so different that if we had only known each other now, we would probably never have been friends. But I'm thankful that we are, because I can be so real and honest with them simply because we've known each other our whole lives, and we've seen each other change so much. I know that with this group of friends, we would have a lifetime-long friendship. Jer, Chun, Debs, Mario, Andre, Ray, Darren - you guys are the best and I wouldn't trade you for the world.
It was a year where I drifted apart from friends who were once so close to me, friends who I used to hold in such high esteem, friends who I put above anyone else, friends I'd always make time for. Somewhere along the way, I believe we grew apart because I stopped going to church, hence I've stopped seeing them as often. And after such a long absence, they've found new friends who are great, who I could never compare to. I can't blame them. After all, I'm the friend who doesn't take the initiative to ask them out, to write cards, buy presents, say sweet things etc. I don't even know how they could have put up with me for so long. I still love them, but I don't know if I could ever be as close to them as I used to be, knowing that they're such great friends while I'm not. Jes & Ken, I'm sorry I can never be that one amazing friend everyone has. I'm just tired of letting people down, and I don't want to let you guys down.
It was a year where I gradually stopped going to church. The official reason I gave everyone was that I didn't like my care group leader (which is true), but fact is, it goes way beyond that. I've never admitted it to anyone because some of my closest friends are church-goers, and I can't believe I'm about to say it right here, right now. I just don't know if I still believe in God anymore. I've had enough of disappointments to know that His promises of grandeur aren't true, can't be true, will never be true. Everyone talks about how favoured, how blessed they are blah blah blah. But what about me? Why am I always the one to have to listen to people's testimonies? Why can't He give me some of my own? It is really through this year, that I've finally realized that any miracle I desire, I better work my ass off to get it. Because that shit definitely ain't coming down from heaven any time soon. This is huge, coming from me, because just one year ago, I was this church-going, Jesus-loving girl. Now what kind of delusion was I living in back then? To my friends who read this, I'm sorry you had to find out from here because I don't think I'd ever have the guts to say it aloud.
It was the year where I got my first proper part-time job instead of those event-based ad-hoc jobs. I've started working at Universal Studios Singapore as a retail sales assistant and it has really blew my mind. Working at USS itself is like magic because every time you step into work, you're entering this fantasy land that visitors only go to once. You get to escape from reality and all you see are beautiful fake buildings and rides and happy faces and theme park food and it's just amazing. I'm not really a huge fan of working in the retail industry but at least it has given me new perspective and it has taught me that working in retail isn't as easy as it seems. It is some tough shit. But tough shit toughens people up. So this working journey has been a lesson for me to grow and to see the working world as it is.
2012 has taught me a whole lot, and it has definitely toughened me up as a person. Throughout the year, my heart has been a fortress and few have made it through. I've been so tired and afraid to care because I didn't want to be hurt anymore. I figured, if I didn't care, then it wouldn't hurt me. My guarded heart has caused me to distance myself from so many people, and only staying in contact with those I genuinely want in my life.
Also, 2012 made me a stronger person than I ever was.
- I never hesitated saying 'no' to others
- I refused to be told what I can or cannot do
- I became more independent than I already am
- Loneliness is no longer something that I fear
- I've given up on dreams of a Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet
I honestly don't know what to expect for 2013, because every year has definitely not been what I'd expected. However, I do hope that it'll be good, especially since I'll be starting my internship towards the end of the year and I hope I get a really good posting!!!!!!! Hopefully overseas. But we'll see how.
Anyway, that's basically my year summed up.
Happy New Year! :)
Abruptly signing off,
NIC.
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