Stony-eyed,

I'm an extremely possessive friend.

There, I said it.

I've never liked admitting that out loud. But over the course of the past few days, I've been pondering over it and wondering why I get so easily affected when I see/hear that a close friend of mine is getting close to someone else. The fact lies in me being insecure; insecure of my relationships and bonds with my friends.

I guess the reason why this happens is because deep down, I know myself. I know that I'm not the sort of friend who gushes over everything, who texts them every single minute of the day to check on their emotional health, who is so full of love that I give hugs and kisses, who is wise enough to give them practical advice, who insists on hanging out everyday and letting the world know we're best friends.

No, I'm just not that sort of person. In fact, I'm the complete opposite.

I have little emotion to show.
I hate texting people and being on the phone for long hours.
I am a cynic.
I am sarcastic.
I don't approach people to ask if they're okay.
I am not a big fan of hugging.
I am terrible at giving advice.
I sometimes say things without consideration for the other party's feelings.
......................etc.

And that is also why once I start being close to someone, I get a tad bit quite possessive. Simply because I don't know when I'll ever find another friend who is willing to put up with my emotional instability, who will even bother taking the first step to getting to know me. This is why people mean so much to me, when they probably don't see me in their eyes.


I get jealous when friends go out without me, when they don't bother asking me out, when it seems like I matter so little to them. Is that it? Do I really not matter at all to the people around me?

I know I'm not the easiest person to be around, and that's why I've become so hard-hearted, I'm so used to people leaving me that it doesn't even faze me anymore. It barely even hurts. Because of people who leave, I have turned off the lights on the road to my heart, and I have kept my feelings in a safe deposit box.

I am also so thankful for the friends who have stayed by me.

Because I have them, maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have to go through life alone.